Monday, January 18, 2010

Facebook is Dangerous #Humor #Jokes

Sister rats out her brother for having beer in room, parents ground him for 3 months, he finds her "list" and posts it on Facebook, tags everyone on the list..



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Bull's Testicles #Humor #Jokes

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

British soldier in Fallujah #Humor #Jokes

A US army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious on the left-hand side of the road.

On the right-hand side was a British soldier in a similar, but less serious state. The Brit was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported: "I was recce-ing the highway here when suddenly, coming towards me from the south was a heavily-armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who'd got what he deserved. The insurgent yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying, one-eyed porridge wog, and furthermore, Lord Mandelson is a pillow-biting gay bastard!

"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid, hatchet-faced lesbian.

"He retaliated by opining that so does Harriet Harman.

"And, there we were - in the middle of the road - shaking hands, when a damned bus hit us."

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Political Correctness #Humor #Jokes

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

LOOK at the BUNS on THAT!! #Humor #Jokes



If You Grew Up in the Midwest #Humor #Jokes


  • You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.

  • You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.

  • You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance.

  • You know the difference between 'Green' and 'Red' farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!

  • You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.

  • You spent more on beer and liquor than you did on food at your wedding.

  • You hear someone use the word 'uff-da' and you don't break into uncontrollable laughter.

  • You or someone you know was a 'Dairy Princess' at the county fair.

  • You know that 'combine' is a noun.

  • You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.

  • You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.

  • You know that 'creek' rhymes with 'pick'.

  • Football schedules, hunting season, and harvest, are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.

  • A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend shining for deer.

  • There was at least one, if not several, in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning.

  • You have driven your car on the lake.

  • Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.

  • Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

  • The local gas station sells live bait.

  • At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.

  • You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.

  • You actually understand these jokes...

  • The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

The economy is so-o-o-o-o-o bad #Humor #Jokes

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked InsufficientFunds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4-ouncer.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great!! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Car for Sale in Ireland

As found in an Irish Newspaper

1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver Owner
Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
Please see photo below .









Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Pros & Cons of Having a Threesome #Humor

Pros:

1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem, the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best

Cons:

1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the bathroom; the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect or want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn't suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes comical proportions
15. Now there are two wet spots to avoid

Flu Outbreak #Humor



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Points of View #Humor



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Monday, January 11, 2010

Why men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns #Humor



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Grandma Goes To Court #Humor



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Coffeeisms


  • Science may never come up with a better office communications system than the office break

  • The coffee break has become an American tradition. It's like the siesta in Mexico - except the siesta doesn't leave ring stains on your desk.

  • The coffee break is important... there are offices where the Mr. Coffee machine has been named employee of the month.

  • The coffee break is like the seven-year itch, except it hits every hour and a half.

  • The coffee break, even for those who realize that caffeine may not be good for them, still beats staying at the desk and working.

  • It seems the more coffee the employees drink, the more tense management gets.

  • I had one worker who steadfastly refused to take a morning coffee break. He claimed it kept him awake all afternoon.

  • Some offices brew their own coffee, which is nice. Throughout the day you have the aroma of either freshly brewed coffee or of an empty pot baking itself to dust.

Garfield - Mondays #Humor #Garfield



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Maxine - Hide #Humor



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Spock does have a sense of #humor



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Sunday, January 10, 2010

BMW Advert



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Demo of the "Javelin" Anti-Tank weapon

The target is a T72 Russian main battle tank (about 45 tons of steel with a 125mm main gun), while the "Javelin" is a small, man-carried shoulder fired anti-tank weapon. The "Javelin" is not a bazooka that up to now was lucky to just blow a track off an enemy tank with a direct hit at close range. This weapon makes tanks obsolete.

Watch the pps first:
http://www.sydesjokes.com/members/zip/T-72_tank.zip

Then watch the live fire video at YouTube:
http://eca.sh/T-72

Javelin Anti-Armour Missile, USA:
http://www.army-technology.com/projects/javelin/

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Head of State - Commemorative Edition

Have and Have Not Poster #Motivational



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You May Be A Taliban If #jokes #funny #humor


  1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

  2. You own a $3,000 machine gun, but you can't afford shoes.

  3. You have more wives than teeth.

  4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

  5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

  6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

  7. You consider television dangerous, but carry explosives in your undies.

  8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

  9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

  10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Maxine - Frozen #Humor



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New Airport Security - Check-in Procedures

Friday, January 8, 2010

PMS Poster #Motivational



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Peep Show #Humor



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Well Behaved Women



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Signs That You Drink Too Much Coffee


  • You answer the door before people knock.

  • Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

  • You ski uphill.

  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

  • You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

  • You lick your coffeepot clean.

  • You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

  • You chew on other people's fingernails.

  • Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

  • You can type sixty words per minute ... With your feet.

  • You can jump-start your car without cables.

  • Cocaine is a downer.

  • You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

  • Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

  • You don't sweat, you percolate.

  • You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

  • You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

  • You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

  • Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

  • You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

  • People get dizzy just watching you.

  • You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

  • The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

  • Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

  • Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

  • Instant coffee takes too long.

  • When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

  • You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

  • You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

  • You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.

  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

  • You short out motion detectors.

  • You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

  • You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

  • You don't tan, you roast.

  • You can't even remember your second cup.

  • You help your dog chase its tail.

No One Cares Poster #Motivational



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Thursday, January 7, 2010

The Manly Snow Blower

As "Tim The Tool Man" would say, HAR HAR HARRR

454 cubic inch big block Chevrolet V8 produces 412 horsepower

Just in case your havin' any trouble removing snow from your driveway... this baby will blow snow back to where i t c ame from... more story at the bottom...







And now for the rest of the story....

If you're tired of anemic, one-lung snowblowers with their slipping drive belts, you migh t c onsider Kai Grundt's V8 snow blower which raises the bar on the traditional snow blower in every respect. With electric start, electric block heater, antifreeze heater and eigh t c ylinders, it has no drive belts to freeze up and you'll never get bored with the job as the 454 cubic inch big block Chevrolet V8 produces 412 horsepower, 430 foot pounds of torque and can throw snow 50 feet at just 3500 rpm.

Nor will you ge t c old as the machine has been ingeniously designed to route the engine coolant through the handle bars, with the rear mounted, enclosed radiator keeping the operator nice and cozy.

Maneuvering the massive beast (it has a total wet weight of 912 lbs) is a breeze thanks to the hydraulic-drive 4WD skid steer on independent walking beams which offers a zero turning radius. It's also as fast as you like, with an infinitely adjustable speed range on the drive wheels via dash mounted flow control. At the opposite end of the scale, it has more than enough torque to pull your car out of the ditch before the hydraulic motors stall!

Adding to the well-balanced feel of the unit, just 15 pounds of down force on the handlebars will lift the auger blade off the ground in order to climb stairs/walkways for ease of snow removal. Safety has and continues to be paramount with spring return to centre "fail safe" type directional controls with emergency stop and tether cords.

Safety is one of the key theme, with a flashing blue light (as required by law in many areas) being the least of the safety features. No-one will fail to hear you with those twin throaty exhausts, which come standard with 92 decibels at the controls, though if the rumble of a V8 exhaust is music to your ears, you can obviously go much louder. Even at the standard baffling, hearing protection is strongly suggested.

The powerful yard machine lights and a dashboard with backlit gauges complete the package to ease the burden of this normally reviled task. The custom 42 inch, two stage auger has a Chevrolet 10 bolt truck differential with spool and a centrifugal auger clutch with shear pin protection, further adding to the image of this "automotive theme blower." As each unit is cutom-built, optional extras for the snow blower are both diverse and outrageous as the base unit - there is unlimited auger choices from single to multi stage designs and various motor combinations to suit the religious preferences of the customer (Chevy, Dodge Hemi, Ford) and such exotica as a V-10 or a diesel engine or remote starting can be accommodated. And if, after a while, you feel you've outgrown the 400 horses, this particular engine is well catered for in the performance modification area, with Lunati camshaft, Milodon Gear drive, Holley and Edelbrock components to name a few, and there's always the fuel injection option too, if you feel you need to throw the snow out of the county or ensure your seat in the "neighborhood blower blingster hall of fame."

Out of Order #Humor



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Pregnant 18 Year Old Girl #jokes #funny #humor

A 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my actions.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will each receive a factory and $2,000,000 .'

Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him..

'You fuck her again.'

Productivity

 

 

 

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Stupidity #Humor



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Maxine - Orange #Humor



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Naked in a Redneck Hot Tub #Humor



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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Worst Logo Ever

 

 

 

Donation:
If you appreciate the things I share,
consider making a contribution no matter
how small via PayPal. If you use Bitcoin you can
send donations to my Bitcoin Wallet:
12pAsyMdZoTHPvkiRAZiuQhC8bF4DLbYpQ

Maxine - Filling Up #Humor



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Maxine - Easter Eggs #Humor



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Maxine - Boyfriend #Humor



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Tiger Woods Surgery #TigerWoods #Humor

Although there still remains speculation on how Tiger got his lips cut up the other night....some say his lovely wife did in fact take a 9 iron to his face as a result of a domestic dispute over another woman. Others say that he hit his face into the steering wheel or windshield when he hit a fire hydrant and then a tree, disfiguring his mouth.

But, NIKE has once again shown complete support for their prize athlete and have paid for reconstructive lip surgery....see attached post-surgery photo



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Thai Food #Humor #Motivational

Maxine - Resolutions #Humor



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Maxine - Indy #Humor



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Maxine - Jigsaw #Humor



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Maxine - Friendly #Humor



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Maxine - Sun #Humor



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Beer Poster #Motivational



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Monday, January 4, 2010

Gun Control

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