Monday, January 31, 2011

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Congressional Humor

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know crap?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Social Media Addiction: Are You At Risk?

Empty Roll

 

 

 

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Monday, January 24, 2011

Men's Department at Bloomingdale's

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.

He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."

She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?"

The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly... That's what I'd like. What I *need* is a new tie!"

Safe Removals

 

 

 

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Inventor of the Vibrator

Cat Food

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."

Adam and Eve

Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, whom he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted out, "Oh, give that to me. I'd love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly, it would be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to."

On and on he went, like an excited little boy who... well... had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind.

And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urine while in a vertical position. He was so happy he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him and laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms."

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Real Ending to Snow White

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Mechanic might try to rip you off

Suzie meets up with Sandi as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.

Suzie asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"

"Yes, thank goodness" Sandi replies.

"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"

"Yeah I was, but he didn't. I was SO relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."

So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub."

Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts.
"Wow" thought Sam," that surgeon does excellent work"

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon.

The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours."

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field."

Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. "Wow" thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing"

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.

The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."

So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died."

Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very difficult."

The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, he suffocated in that plastic bag!"

New Head Samurai

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who sent a declaration out throughout the country announcing that he was searching for a new head Samurai.

A year passed and only three people showed up to apply for the
position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out popped a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in two pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. Whoosh - whoosh went his sword. The fly dropped dead on the ground in four pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. His flashing sword went Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. A gust of wind filled the room, but the fly was still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked, "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled and said,

"Circumcision is not intended to kill."

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Atheist Holy Day

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned..."

Birthday reminder

Our little girl is growing up!!

BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday.




Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
Can you believe it?

It seems like it was only yesterday, she was crawling around the
White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus near a golf course with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked..."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Screw Anybody

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faces him,looks him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean .. . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What State are you from?"

Monday, January 17, 2011

Signs That You Might Need a New Lawyer

  • During the trial, you catch him playing his Gameboy.

  • Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniel's to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

  • He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

  • He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."

  • Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

  • Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

  • The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."

  • Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

  • He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

  • Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.

  • Constantly raising objections to the "vibes" he's getting from the jury.

  • Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he screams, "Yahtzee!"

  • Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.

  • You met him in prison.

  • He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.

  • When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high- five each other.

  • He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

  • He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

  • A prison guard is shaving your head.

Chinese Translations

  • I think you need a facelift (Chin Tu Fat)

  • Are you hiding a fugitive? (Hu Yu Hai Ding?)

  • See me A.S.A.P. (Kum Hia Nao)

  • Stupid Man (Dum Gai)

  • Small Horse (Tai In Po In)

  • Did you go to the beach? (Wai Yu So Tan?)

  • I bumped into a coffee table (Ai Bang Mai In)

  • It's very dark in here (Wai So Dim)

  • Has your flight been delayed? (Hao Long Wei Ting?)

  • I thought you were on a diet? (Wai Yu Mun Ching?)

  • This is a tow away zone (No Pah King)

  • You are not very bright (Yu So Dum)

  • I got this for free (Ai No Pei)

  • I am not guilty! (Wai Hang Mi?)

  • Please stay a while longer (Wai Go Nao?)

  • They have arrived (Hai Dei Kum.)

  • Stay out of sight (Lei Lo)

  • Your body odor is offensive (Yu Stin Ki Up)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Chocolate

  1. If you are getting melted chocolate all over your hands, you are eating it too slowly.

  2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit so eat as much as you want.

  3. Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.

  4. If you can't eat all your chocolate it will keep in the freezer but if you can't eat all your chocolate it may be a sign of a deeper problem.

  5. Store your chocolate on the top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

  6. Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate make a balanced meal.

  7. The preservatives in chocolate will make you look younger.

  8. If not for chocolate there would be no need for control top pantyhose and an entire garment industry would be out of business.

  9. A nice box of chocolates provides your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

  10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of you list of things to do today. That way, at least you will get one of those things done.

  11. Cocoa beans are in the vegetable group, so by eating chocolate you are consuming one of the food groups in a healthy diet. If you eat milk chocolate, that has dairy so you get 2 food groups in one source.

Fuckbook

Geography for the sexes

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

The Geography of a Man

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts.

Marriage Counselor

A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.The counselor sits them on the couch and says, "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common."

The husband says, "Well for starters, neither one of us sucks dick

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Arizona Shooting


"We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the law-breaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions." - Ronald Reagan

The Redneck

The Redneck went to the hospital As his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, The Nurse says "Congratulations, Your wife has had quints, 5 big baby boys."

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, The babies are all black."

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Signs that the Enterprise is Nearing the End of it's Warranty

  1. Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.

  2. Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".

  3. Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.

  4. Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.

  5. Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".

  6. Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.

  7. Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.

  8. Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.

  9. Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.

  10. Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.

  11. Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.

  12. Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.

  13. Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.

  14. Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.

  15. Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.

  16. Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.

  17. Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.

  18. Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it".

  19. Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.

  20. Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

Australian Tourism Slogans

After a spate of shark attacks in Australia, the Week asked its readers to create that country's next tourism slogan. Here's what they came up with:

  • "What happens off the coast of Australia, stays off the coast of Australia."

  • "We'll throw another limb on the Barbie."

  • "Australia: Disarmingly beautiful."

  • "Our visitors: The other white meat."

  • "Not quite heaven, but you can get there from here."

Old Sayings...Different Twist

See if you can translate the following into the familiar sayings we've all heard? See answers below.

  1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.

  2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.

  3. Surveillance should precede salutations

  4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity

  5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.

  6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

  7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.

  8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

  9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.

  10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 F'.

  11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

  12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.

Answers:
  1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
  2. Birds of a feather, flock together.
  3. Think before you speak.
  4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
  5. Don't cry over spilled milk.
  6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
  7. The pen is mightier than the sword.
  8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
  9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.
  10. A watched pot doesn't boil.
  11. All that glitters is not gold.
  12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Looks Like a Penis Only Smaller

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Oral sex

A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough. Obviously the sexual stimulation is getting through to the woman's brain. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor is shocked and asks what happened.

"She choked."

Pub Signs