Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Jokes for Tuesday 25th November 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Texas Weather

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The Church of Facebook

http://on.fb.me/12HXral

The Danger of Too Much Caffeine

http://on.fb.me/12HXrqL

The Erogenous Zones

http://on.fb.me/12HXsuR

The Excuse Creator

http://on.fb.me/12HXrHk

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Joke # 1

One Job




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Joke # 2

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

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Joke # 3

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

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Joke # 4

Q: What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?
A: Parachute school!

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Joke # 5

Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch.

Mary noticed that Sue was walking bowlegged and asked what the problem was.

Sue replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it."

Mary replied, "I know. I know."

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Joke # 6

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

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Joke # 7

Ole and Lena are sixty-nining when Ole says, "Leena did you know there is 117,000 musk-ox in Alaska?".

Lena says, "No, I didn't, Gee, you¹re smart".

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you¹re smart.

Ole says, "and Lena did you know there is over 2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?"

"No", says Lena, "how did you get so smart?" Sort of wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.

Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out of toilet paper and we had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember", says Lena.

Ole says, "Well you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to your ass."

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Joke # 8

Q: Where does Friday come before Monday?
A: In the dictionary.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Responders

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/responders.html

Labor Day 3

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/labor-day-3-laborday.html

18 Funny Universal Laws

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/18-funny-universal-laws.html

X-Men Family Tree

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/x-men-family-tree.html

Men at Work

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/men-at-work.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Rapping Flight Attendant

http://bit.ly/9IzU7X

Sauna Beer

http://bit.ly/bWkppR

Do Not Judge Too Quickly #3

http://bit.ly/cYSHKL

The Black Hole

http://bit.ly/bWhLAV

Computer Problems

http://bit.ly/dtaBbo


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Sunday, November 23, 2014

Jokes for Sunday 23rd November 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Submissive Chess

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Subway

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Winston Churchill Quote

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Success is not the key to happiness

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Sweetex Billboard

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Joke # 1

Those who stir the shitpot




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Joke # 2

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

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Joke # 3

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, but the waiter's thumb is resting on the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "You bring my food with your hand on my steak?"

"What?" answers the waiter. "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

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Joke # 4

Q: How do they serve smart hamburgers?
A: On honor rolls.

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Joke # 5

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

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Joke # 6

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left.

The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.

"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"

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Joke # 7

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game.

"I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents," he confessed.

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father." said the confessor. "I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the ... in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve clean, "boys will be boys."


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Joke # 8

Q: What is the world's longest punctuation mark?
A: The hundred yard dash.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Republicans turned off by size of Obama's package

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/republicans-turned-off-by-size-of.html

The Facebook Bra

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/facebook-bra.html

Proposed Facebook Buttons

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/proposed-facebook-buttons.html

Little Johnny

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/little-johnny.html

Pooch Park Powered by Poop

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/pooch-park-powered-by-poop.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Mr Bean - Short Trousers

http://bit.ly/cIV9Ex

Sound Barrier

http://bit.ly/a2Xn7t

Redneck 911

http://bit.ly/iBmtAR

Japanese Chair

http://bit.ly/dvkpMG

Bulging Eyes

http://bit.ly/aGjymF


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Saturday, November 22, 2014

Jokes for Saturday 22nd November 2014

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Soup of the Day

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Squeeze from the bottom

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Stool Sample

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Stop Deforestation

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Stupid People

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Joke # 1

Text and driving




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Joke # 2

Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.

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Joke # 3

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

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Joke # 4

Q: What did the class clown take a computer to school?
A: Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.

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Joke # 5

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.  The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.  Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.  One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.  His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

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Joke # 6

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men alongside the road eating grass.  Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.  He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "we have to eat grass.

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.  They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "you come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "but sir, I also have a wife.

"Bring them  all, as well, " the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,  you are too kind." Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high!"

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Joke # 7

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance..

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there..

Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins.

The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

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Joke # 8

Q: Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?
A: At forks in the road.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Dear Facebook

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/dear-facebook.html

36DD Breasts

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/36dd-breasts.html

Bubba and the NYC banker

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/bubba-and-nyc-banker.html

Scottish Bar Stool - For Kilts

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/scottish-bar-stool-for-kilts.html

Air Force Joke

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/air-force-joke.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Pistol Shrimp

http://bit.ly/ckwIk2

Sunday Driver

http://bit.ly/nUrUvx

Funny Gymnastics

http://bit.ly/a80mtL

The Fastest Chevy Truck in the World

http://bit.ly/aoveWI

Boogie Woogie

http://bit.ly/94FTgt


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Jokes for Friday 21st November 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Slippery When Wet

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Slut

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Sluts

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Someone didn't think this baby outfit all the way through

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Sometimes

http://on.fb.me/12HXjYc

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Joke # 1

Do you have any idea




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Joke # 2

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft ... Today, it's called golf.

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Joke # 3

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said.

“Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.”

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Joke # 4

Q: What's the tallest building in the world?
A: The library, because it has the most stories.

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Joke # 5

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

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Joke # 6

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Goodness!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

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Joke # 7

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope o n the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada,. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

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Joke # 8

Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Child Proofed House

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/child-proofed-house.html

Chicks Rule

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/chicks-rule.html

New Texas Ambulance

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/new-texas-ambulance.html

Cleavage

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/cleavage.html

Welcome to Wal-Mart

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/welcome-to-wal-mart.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Two Hand Is Better Than One

http://bit.ly/ofsIYs

Hidden Jobs Part #2 - Pedestrians Traffic Light

http://bit.ly/bQ2xwh

Plane Taxiing

http://bit.ly/98J4aF

Mama Nem

http://bit.ly/atbSWv

Why Some Women Are Single

http://bit.ly/c0UD3c


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Jokes for Thursday 20th November 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Sex Maniacs Eye Test

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Sexy Wine Holder

http://on.fb.me/12HXkLP

Shorts

http://on.fb.me/12HXkM1

Singapre Litter Free

http://on.fb.me/12HXl2p

Size Does Matter

http://on.fb.me/12HXjaE

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Joke # 1

Kindness




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Joke # 2

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

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Joke # 3

A very sick granny was talking to her granddaughter: "I may die any moment so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, the tractor, the farmhouse & all the livestock."

"Wow!!!!" said the granddaughter, "Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it? "

Grandma replies: On 'Facebook'

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Joke # 4

Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

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Joke # 5

A preacher prepared for Sunday morning service, but only one person, a farmer, was there. He asked the farmer, "What do you think we should do?"

The farmer replied with a drawl, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I'd feed it."

So the preacher mounted the pulpit and began to preach ... and preach ... and preach. After about two hours, he concluded.

Then he stepped down and said to the farmer, "So, what did you think?"

The farmer replied, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I certainly wouldn't try to feed it all the hay."

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Joke # 6

On the eve of the marketing campaign for his new invention, Apple president Steve Jobs was discussing it with his top associate. Steve was just finishing up a rundown of the iPad's features when he noticed a look of concern on the associate's face.

What's wrong? Steve asked.

It's the name, iPad, the associate hesitantly said.

What about the name? Steve asked.

It... well, the associate stammered out, "It kind of sounds like a feminine hygiene product."

What? Steve wailed, "You think it sounds like a feminine hygiene product? That's ridiculous! It does not sound like a feminine hygiene product! The name starts with an 'i'! It sounds like a computer! Don't be stupid!"

I'm sorry, said the associate, shrinking back a little.

Oh, OK, don't worry about it, Steve said. "Now, listen. price tag of my iPad is out of many people's price range, so I've decided to offer a smaller version for a cheaper price."

That's good, said the associate. "So you'll have two versions - a smaller one and a larger one. What will they be called?"

Steve replied, "The smaller version will be called the Mini iPad and the larger version will be called the Maxi iPad."

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Joke # 7

Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his horse, John. He would call out, "Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything today?" and then bridle his horse.

One day while going through this routine he said, "Hey there, John..." when, to his surprise, the horse turned around and interrupted him!

He said, "For months now, you've walked in here and said, 'Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything today?' and I'm tired of it! You never wait for an answer, and besides, my name is Randy!"

And with that, the horse took off running!

Shocked, the owner took off after the horse trying to catch it. Seeing the pursuit, his dog joined the chase.

After a while the man became tired and stopped to rest at the side of the road. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his face as his dog, who had continued the chase, came back also now breathless, and sat down beside him.

The man wondered aloud, "I've never heard a horse talk before!"

"Me neither!" said the dog, gasping for air.

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Joke # 8

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: I got you covered.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Exorcism Russian Style

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/exorcism-russian-style.html

Smart Phones

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/smart-phones.html

Precarious Situation

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/precarious-situation.html

Anger Management

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/anger-management.html

Public Groping

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/public-groping.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Never Get This Drunk

http://bit.ly/aADcMP

Stuntcity

http://bit.ly/aEwYMc

Sweeties

http://bit.ly/a7yHhn

F-35 Takeoff

http://bit.ly/aPOhEN

Granny Air Bag

http://bit.ly/aqwuur


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Jokes for Wednesday 19th November 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Schitt Family Tree

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Science Teachers

http://on.fb.me/12HXhzP

Secret Bunker

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Seeing a spider

http://on.fb.me/12HXkvl

Send A Letter

http://on.fb.me/12HXi6S

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Joke # 1

Desmond Tutu Quote




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Joke # 2

Confucius: Virgin with thimble on finger never feel prick.

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Joke # 3

Harry walked over to the minister after services, "You know Reverend, I am really stuck in a quandary. I would like to attend church next week but I just can't miss the big game next Sunday. It's just out of the question."

"Oh Harry, " said the minister, "don't you know that's what DVR's are for."

Harry's face lit up. "You mean I could record your sermon?"

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Joke # 4

Q: How can you tell that a train just went by?
A: It left its tracks.

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Joke # 5

Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time.

The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car, so he pulls over.

The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "Just do this. Pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."

So, they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads.

The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking"?

The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "We're on the patch, trying to quit."

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Joke # 6

At a PTA Meeting it was explained to the parents how the sex education classes would proceed and what the overall content would be. The Principal advised the parents to closely follow-up with their children, especially to see if they had any questions.

That night, one parent decided to put it into action. He called his older son into the study and requested that he instruct his younger brother about the "birds and the bees" talk he gave to his son two years ago; thinking to spare himself the ordeal all over again.

The boy agreed and rushed off to talk with his younger brother.

Hey Herman, he said, "want to know something?"

What? the younger lad asked.

You know how a man and a woman get together when they want to have kids?

Yeah?

Well.. Father wants me to tell you that birds and bees do the same thing.

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Joke # 7

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died.

Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.

The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!".

Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"

The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind.

So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back.

The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

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Joke # 8

Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: Just in case he got a hole in one!

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Blood Lite

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/blood-lite.html

Babysitting

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/babysitting.html

Husband Day Care Center

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/husband-day-care-center.html

Times Change

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/times-change.html

Voices of the Simpsons

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/voices-of-simpsons.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Banana Deep Throat

http://bit.ly/9VE5eZ

Togetherness

http://bit.ly/b26xHu

Enjoy the Ride

http://bit.ly/daHQUD

Lucky Pedestrian

http://bit.ly/gnP47L

Amazing Escape #1

http://bit.ly/aRddMn


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Monday, November 17, 2014

Jokes for Monday 17th November 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Raise Your Hand

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Read It Backwards

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Relax

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Republican Logic

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Road Barrier

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Joke # 1

Robert Frost Quote




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Joke # 2

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.

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Joke # 3

A guy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts the guy, "this is her husband!"

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Joke # 4

Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: It held up a pair of pants.

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Joke # 5

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king.  "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh, no ..." says the knight.  "Well, you do now."

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Joke # 6

Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words.

One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.

When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football.

Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon.

Soon, the Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf.

His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines.

This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

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Joke # 7

This guy went into a bar, sat down on a stool, and ordered a Bloody Mary. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't have that, but we've got the next best thing."

The guy asked, "Okay, what is it," and the bartender said, "We've got a Harry Man." The guy said, "No thanks."

Then the guy asked, "How about a virgin?" and the bartender replied, Sorry, we don't have that either. But we got the next best thing."

The guy asked, irritated, "Okay, what is it?" The bartender replied, "We got a Furry Belly."

The guy looked around and saw everyone drinking and said, "All right, fine, I'll have one."

So the guy had about five, and when he was finished the bartender walked over to him and told him how much he had to pay. He reaches deep down inside his pocket and pulls out a couple handfuls of food stamps.

The bartender looked at the food stamps and said, "Hey, this isn't money!"

And the guy says, "I know, but it's the next best thing."

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Joke # 8

Q: How do hair stylists speed up their job?
A: They take short cuts!

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

DADD T-Shirt

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/dadd-t-shirt.html

Computers

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/computers.html

Dickhead

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/dickhead.html

Carve Your Own Pumpkin

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/carve-your-own-pumpkin.html

Stephen Fry on being offended

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/stephen-fry-on-being-offended.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Shed

http://bit.ly/duDrEe

Brahma Beer Advert #2

http://bit.ly/azsssU

Phone or Vibrator

http://bit.ly/dxJBHy

Apple Commercial

http://bit.ly/bbNNLP

Why Cows Hate Winter

http://bit.ly/a7yLEm


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Sunday, November 16, 2014

True Love has no Expiration Date



Translation



Too many people buy things they don't need



There are two signs of aging



There are two types of pain



Those who stir the shitpot



There is a child inside each one of us



There's no better sound



Thinking too much



This is my coffee mug



Jokes for Saturday 15th November 2014

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Pain in the Ass

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Perfect Job Ad

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Joke # 1

Come on inner peace




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Joke # 2

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

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Joke # 3

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

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Joke # 4

Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
A: She ran away from the ball.

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Joke # 5

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."

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Joke # 6

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"

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Joke # 7

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over
2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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Joke # 8

Q: What did Cinderella say to the photographer?
A: Some day my prints will come.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Toilet Cone

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/toilet-cone.html

Top 10 Questions to Annoy Your Friends

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/top-10-questions-to-annoy-your-friends.html

Punch You

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/punch-you.html

Playground

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/playground.html

Hear an Asshole

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/hear-asshole.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Compact Swing

http://bit.ly/q9gHpX

Smoking After Sex

http://bit.ly/a7AMLh

Cracking Nuts

http://bit.ly/cvar1z

Working With Monkeys #1

http://bit.ly/99SKzx

Optical Illusion

http://bit.ly/lrAlS6


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Saturday, November 15, 2014

Jokes for Friday 14th November 2014

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-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

Check how Plexus products can help you lose weight --> http://PlexusSlim.com/ColinSydes

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Notice

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NOW or NEVER

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Odaxelagina

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Old and Wise

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One Dollar Bill

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Joke # 1

MacDonalds




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Joke # 2

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

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Joke # 3

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge. No sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I'd never stand in another line!"

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Joke # 4

Q: What two things can you not have for breakfast?
A: Lunch and dinner.

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Joke # 5

A little old lady owned a home beside the fifth fairway, and stray golf balls were always landing in her back yard.

Instead of getting angry, she removed the fence along the boundary, invited the golfers onto her property, showed them where their ball was located, and encouraged them to take their next shot from that spot.

Even when they missed and dug deep divots in her lawn, she would tell them to go ahead and take another swing.

A visitor, after witnessing her overly courteous behavior, couldn't help but comment. "How come you let them tear up your yard like that?"  the visitor asked, "and not only that, you encourage them."

"I'm not as courteous as you think," the old lady replied. "I'm planning on turning my yard into a garden, and I figure within another month they'll have it plowed for me.

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Joke # 6

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,

"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,

"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"

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Joke # 7

This guy is in bed with this woman when he hears the garage door open.

"It's my husband," the woman says. " Here, start ironing these." And toss him a pile of shirts.

The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts. She tells him that he is a temporary housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes the shirts, then leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus.

He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him. The man looks at him and says, "Buddy, are you talking about that hottie who lives in that brick house two hundred yards down the road?"

"Yes, I am. Why do you ask?"

"Hell, dude, who do you think washed those shirts anyway?"

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Joke # 8

Q: What did one eye say to the other?
A: Between you and me, something smells.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Sandwiches 2

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/sandwiches-2.html

A bus full of nuns

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/bus-full-of-nuns.html

Two couples were playing cards

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/two-couples-were-playing-cards.html

Proctologist

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/proctologist.html

Tupperware Statistics

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/tupperware-statistics.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Baseball Juggler

http://bit.ly/qs92ua

Building Jumping

http://bit.ly/9FZLXw

Land Rover Advert

http://bit.ly/dfkoHR

Art With Flour

http://bit.ly/hbLjnu

Stinky

http://bit.ly/cwzloT


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The only person you should try to be better than



The greatest pleasure in life



The greatest gift you can give someone is your time



Jokes for Wednesday 12th November 2014

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Monday is when you plant the seeds of your week

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More Space

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Mr Bean - Life is so short

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Joke # 1

You'd be in good shape




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Joke # 2

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

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Joke # 3

A golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies, "Aye, there's a piece of shit on the end of your driver."

The golfer picks up his driver and cleans the clubface, at which point the caddy says: "No, the other end."

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Joke # 4

Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.

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Joke # 5

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason, the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the five kids for fifteen years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as thank you."

Why should I? he said. "Not once in fifteen years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

Yes, she said, "but I'm their real mother."

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Joke # 6

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"

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Joke # 7

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door, he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

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Joke # 8

Q: How do locomotives hear?
A: Through the engineers.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Gaddafi Victory

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/gaddafi-victory.html

Kids

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/kids.html

Kinky Trick or Treat

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/kinky-trick-or-treat.html

No Candy

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/no-candy.html

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/call-of-duty-modern-warfare-3.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Fiat Parking

http://bit.ly/aAbFj3

How A Real Man Takes Off His Underwear

http://bit.ly/a54X6m

Redneck Carrier Landing

http://bit.ly/dBUlmG

Ray Stevens - Illegal Immigrants

http://bit.ly/d9sA7E

Forklift Warehouse Collision

http://bit.ly/ae3ABD


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Jokes for Thursday 13th November 2014

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-> 95% of all diets and weight loss programs fail.
-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

Check how Plexus products can help you lose weight --> http://PlexusSlim.com/ColinSydes

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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No matter how serious life gets

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Not a Gynecologist

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Not an Alcoholic

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Note to self

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Nothing happens after you die

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Joke # 1

Once a SOLDIER




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Joke # 2

A spoken word is like a sparrow - once it flies out you cannot catch it.

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Joke # 3

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly, she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you"?

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."

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Joke # 4

Q: Why is tennis such a loud game?
A: Because each player raises a racquet.

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Joke # 5

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," he says.

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Joke # 6

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered, "Let me show you the front pew."

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Joke # 7

Consider the case of Frederick II, an 18th-century King of Prussia.

Frederick fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion, he is supposed to have interested himself in the conditions of a Berlin prison. He was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners. One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them. Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused." You," he called ."You, there!"

The prisoner looked up. "Yes, your majesty?"

"Why are you here?"

"Armed robbery, your majesty."

"And are you guilty?"

"Entirely guilty, your majesty. I richly deserve my punishment."

At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, "Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here In my jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it. Release him at once!"

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Joke # 8

Q: Who earns a living by driving his customers away?
A: A taxi driver.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Dracula Candle Holder

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/dracula-candle-holder.html

Important Rules For Men

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/important-rules-for-men.html

The Penis List

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/penis-list.html

Sandwiches 3

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/sandwiches-3.html

Marriage Counseling

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/marriage-counseling.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Leaf Blower

http://bit.ly/9KwcX8

Beer For the Lazy Ass Sports Fanatic

http://bit.ly/bsNyzL

Digital Conversion

http://bit.ly/9qXMAt

Water Jump

http://bit.ly/9l5R2k

Don't Litter

http://bit.ly/9nH1dg


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The Department of Home Security



The Difference Between A BEER & YOUR OPINION



The only time a woman is helpless