Sunday, February 22, 2015

Jokes for Saturday 21st February 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Old Saying - New Saying

http://on.fb.me/1894pFg

Taylor Swift Quote

http://on.fb.me/1894s3P

The tree was there first

http://on.fb.me/1894sRn

Throwing in the towel

http://on.fb.me/1894sAO

Totally Worth It

http://on.fb.me/1894tom

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Joke # 1

The only disability in life




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Joke # 2

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite...

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Joke # 3

The teacher was trying to impress upon her pupils the importance of doing right at all times, and to bring out the answer, "Bad habits," she inquired: "What is it that we find so easy to get into and so hard to get out of?"

There was silence for a moment and then one little fellow answered. "Bed".

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Joke # 4

Q: What is a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister!

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Joke # 5

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

Well, says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

What if he has an erection? asks one of the women.

Honey, says Sophie, "Who on Earth wants to do laundry on a day like that?"

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Joke # 6

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. “I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

Strike One! he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I’m the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I’m the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

Wow! he exclaimed. "I’m also the greatest pitcher in the world!"

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Joke # 7

Things Not To Say While Visiting A Foreign Country

IRELAND
Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black did a leprechaun crap in it?

FRANCE
Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren't the French just Germans who can make sauces?

ITALY
Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O's!

POLAND
Do you hire foreigners to screw in your light bulbs?

GERMANY
Is this bratwurst kosher?

KOREA
Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?

CHINA
This wall isn't so great.

SWEDEN
Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?

INDIA
You don't live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?

AMERICA
Was John Wayne gay?

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Joke # 8

Q: What kind of shoes do bannanas make?
A: Slippers!

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Volkswagen Assembly Plant

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/volkswagen-assembly-plant.html

Blown Train Engine

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/blown-train-engine.html

Amazing Alaska

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/amazing-alaska.html

Congressional Humor

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/congressional-humor.html

Social Media Addiction: Are You At Risk?

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/social-media-addiction-are-you-at-risk.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Summer Time Fun

http://bit.ly/9CoWp1

Wireless Headsets

http://bit.ly/cOcRvn

Night Fishing

http://bit.ly/bS0T0u

Sports Cars

http://bit.ly/bAhY2W

Golf Parrot

http://bit.ly/aNSpkZ


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Jokes for Friday 20th February 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Evian Water

http://on.fb.me/1894oB7

Ignoranus

http://on.fb.me/1894qZF

In a London park

http://on.fb.me/1894qZU

Jimmy Carter Quote

http://on.fb.me/1894pox

Dear Monday

http://on.fb.me/1894rNe

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Joke # 1

Bill Gates Quote




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Joke # 2

"Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places."

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Joke # 3

Lucy was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Lucy. Some people don't even know you."

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Joke # 4

Q: Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
A: They were sitting on the deck!

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Joke # 5

Two men who haven't seen each other for many years meet on the street. One asks the other how things have been.

Wonderful, for a while, the other says. "I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone."

What a shame, the friend says. "What on Earth happened?"

Says the other man: "My wife found out."

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Joke # 6

Jodi, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Jodi -- the Blonde."

Jodi then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Jodi opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

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Joke # 7

A CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his company. He turns to his eternally optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this glass half full or half empty?"

Well you know me, she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half full!"

He then turns to his eternally pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full, or half empty?"

He repeats."Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half empty to me."

He then turns to the re-engineering consultant sitting next to him. "Well, you can see my dilemma. What do you think?"

The consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO.

Well, looks like you've got more glass there than you need.

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Joke # 8

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Highest Bridge

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/highest-bridge.html

GoViral - Please click the clip

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/goviral-please-click-clip.html

Classic Rock

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/classic-rock.html

New Zealand Hooker

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/new-zealand-hooker.html

Canyonlands, National Park, Utah

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/canyonlands-national-park-utah.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

The Future of Shopping

http://bit.ly/d6AW1Y

No Place Like Home

http://bit.ly/8YUemn

Amazing Ski Jump

http://bit.ly/ccfFWr

Train Snow Plow

http://bit.ly/bMd0Ol

Cat With A Bad Attitude

http://bit.ly/cKJx45


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Jokes for Thursday 19th February 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Navy divers being navy divers

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Bully

http://on.fb.me/1894nNA

Butter spreader

http://on.fb.me/1894qc5

Anger Management

http://on.fb.me/1894o4f

Camo Condom

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Joke # 1

You will never know your limits




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Joke # 2

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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Joke # 3

A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

That's great, his wife said.

Yeah, I thought so too, he agreed. "You start Monday."

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Joke # 4

Q: What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?
A: An onion

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Joke # 5

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.

What on earth are you doing down there? she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbours."

I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs he shouted.

Leave it 'till the morning she shouted down

I can't he said "I've drank it!"

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Joke # 6

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.

On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.

What are you doing? the priest asks.

The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."

Good idea! Be right back! the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.

The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.

I'm consecrating it with holy water, the priest replies.

Great idea! the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

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Joke # 7

A young man was hitchhiking down south and a farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift.         

As they were driving, the farmer started bragging about how good the local moonshine whiskey was. The young man told the farmer that he didn’t drink very much, and that moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes.

“Nonsense!” said the farmer. “You gotta try some.” He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug. “Here,” he said, handing the jar to the lad. “Take a drink!”

“Oh, no thanks,” said the young man. “I really don’t think I care for any.”

“No, I insist,” pressed the farmer. “Have some.”

“No, thanks — really,” said the young man.

The farmer wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared, “I said, take a drink!”

“Okay! Okay!” said the young man. He took a few swallows and instantly realized just how powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound.

“What do you think of it?” asked the farmer. “Good, ain’t it?”

“Yeah,” gasped the lad, afraid he would be forced to drink more if he disagreed, “I guess so.”

Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. “Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me drink some!”   

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Joke # 8

Q: What kind of jam can you not eat?
A: A traffic jam.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

TRD (Tobacco Related Deaths)

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/trd-tobacco-related-deaths.html

Hand Sanitizer

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/hand-sanitizer.html

Norway

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/norway.html

Say it with Flowers

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/say-it-with-flowers.html

Beer Bottle Chandelier

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/beer-bottle-chandelier.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Loading A Bobcat Texas Style

http://bit.ly/bkehaT

Street Interview

http://bit.ly/b3hhiV

Differenace Between Men and Women

http://bit.ly/duB6rw

Budweiser - Licking Beer

http://bit.ly/8YibzC

Mexican Swat Teams #3

http://bit.ly/bYaHVJ


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Jokes for Wednesday 18th February 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Don't you just hate when your boss is riding you?

http://on.fb.me/1894jNQ

More accurate than any insurance commercial I’ve seen

http://on.fb.me/1894k4f

Respect, Honesty, Trust and Loyalty

http://on.fb.me/1894k4q

Sorry Timmy

http://on.fb.me/1894mt1

Wake up with a good attitude

http://on.fb.me/1894mJx

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Joke # 1

Wine enthusiast




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Joke # 2

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

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Joke # 3

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

I see, nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

For God's sake, NO! exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

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Joke # 4

Q: Why did the TV cross the road?
A: Because it wanted to be a flat screen.

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Joke # 5

A 13-year-old boy, was sick in bed with bronchitis, and although he showed some general improvement, his harsh cough persisted and could be heard all over the house.

Worried that he was missing so much school, his mother went into his room to see how he felt.

There he was, propped up in bed, earphones on, listening to a baseball game, while the tape recorder coughed on and on.

The next morning he was in school.

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Joke # 6

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

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Joke # 7

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.

What do you do all day? asked Martha.

Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha.

Well, then, where are you?

I'm a rabbit in Arizona.

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Joke # 8

Q: What would you call a humorous knee?
A: Fun-ny!

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Girls Mast

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/girls-mast.html

Petrodollar

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/petrodollar.html

Southerners' Enjoyment of Snow Over Time

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/southerners-enjoyment-of-snow-over-time.html

Might Get Lucky

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/might-get-lucky.html

Perception Test

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/perception-test.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Eddie Izzard - Brit vs US Movies

http://bit.ly/aEzRAv

Condom Bubble Gum

http://bit.ly/9b91UH

Recovery Service

http://bit.ly/a6t1cQ

United States Border Control

http://bit.ly/ccNemO

Smart Arse Gym Teacher

http://bit.ly/asOhok


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Jokes for Tuesday 17th February 2015

SydesJokes Blog
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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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FAT - FIT

http://on.fb.me/1894hWj

Home

http://on.fb.me/1894kRT

The difference between dogs and cats

http://on.fb.me/1894jgM

Clever Smirnoff Advert

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Joke # 1

I am not be perfect




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Joke # 2

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

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Joke # 3

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

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Joke # 4

Q: Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?
A: Because there are too many ears.

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Joke # 5

There are three guys in a boat with four cigarettes. They have no matches or anything and were trying to come up with a way to smoke their cigarettes.

I got it! said the one guy as he threw one of his cigarettes overboard.

Why did you do that? yelled his buddy.

To which he replied, "To make the boat a little lighter."

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Joke # 6

You Know You're Growing Old When

* You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

* The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car - in the "ten items or less" lane.

* You've found yourself discussing the weather.

* You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.

* You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

* You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.

* You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

* Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

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Joke # 7

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" Each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced and the tab is 40 cents.

The men pay, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

One of them asks, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer ... it's all the same price.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price. Plus they all have coupons."

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Joke # 8

Q: Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?
A: Because she wanted to get a good scoop.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Queensland Floods

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/queensland-floods.html

Tired of the Snow

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/tired-of-snow.html

Towel Holder

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/towel-holder.html

Publicity Art

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/publicity-art.html

Small Gift

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/small-gift.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Sensodyne

http://bit.ly/dcYfxj

Perfect Family

http://bit.ly/dm8mVI

Animal Thieves

http://bit.ly/bCArXm

The Best CV Ever

http://bit.ly/eL3fdc

One Wish

http://bit.ly/az287v


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Jokes for Monday 16th February 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Zig Ziglar #Quote

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Butterhenge

http://on.fb.me/1894f0x

Difference between cupcakes and muffins

http://on.fb.me/1894icB

Dog Poo Fairy

http://on.fb.me/1894hpd

Egyptians at the beach as city burns in the background

http://on.fb.me/1894hFL

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Joke # 1

Paulo Coelho Quote




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Joke # 2

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

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Joke # 3

While making rounds, a doctor pointed out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

As you can see, she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

Well, ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

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Joke # 4

Q: What's the best parting gift?
A: A comb.

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Joke # 5

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

Give me your money, he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man responded, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"

In that case, replied the mugger, "give me my money."

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Joke # 6

A man has to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decides to bring his wife. When they arrive at their hotel and are shown to their room, the man says, "You rest here while I register. I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true.

Look, lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor! the woman says.

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in.

What are you doing here? the husband asks.

The manager replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

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Joke # 7

How To Give Your Cat a Pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

By, the way, know how to give a DOG a pill?

1. Wrap it in Bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

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Joke # 8

Q: When do you go on red and stop on green?
A: When you are eating a watermelon.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Super Bowl Joke

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/super-bowl-joke.html

Super Bowl Bingo

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/super-bowl-bingo.html

Maxine - Super Bowl

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/maxine-super-bowl.html

Top Ten Funny and Amusing Quotations From and About the NFL

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/top-ten-funny-and-amusing-quotations.html

Sick Bastard

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/sick-bastard.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

They Dont Make Them Like This Anymore

http://bit.ly/aJZUOe

Pulled Over For Speeding

http://bit.ly/dd7vIm

Gun Idiot

http://bit.ly/99Z2WK

Wedding Bliss

http://bit.ly/9mJu93

Ski Jump

http://bit.ly/cmsK7K


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Jokes for Sunday 15th February 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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When I Want Your Opinion

http://on.fb.me/1894dpi

Stevie Wonder #Quote

http://on.fb.me/1894cBQ

U.S. Sarcasm Foundation

http://on.fb.me/1894dWA

Single for a while

http://on.fb.me/1894ed2

Vampire Teabags

http://on.fb.me/1894ety

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Joke # 1

Shine




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Joke # 2

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment

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Joke # 3

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

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Joke # 4

Q: What do you call the king of vegetables?
A: Elvis Parsley.

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Joke # 5

Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.

Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.

I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this? he asked.

Actually, the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."

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Joke # 6

This guy went into a bar, sat down on a stool, and ordered a Bloody Mary. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't have that, but we've got the next best thing."

The guy asked, "Okay, what is it," and the bartender said, "We've got a Harry Man." The guy said, "No thanks."

Then the guy asked, "How about a virgin?" and the bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't have that either. But we got the next best thing."

The guy asked, irritated, "Okay, what is it?" The bartender replied, "We got a Furry Belly."

The guy looked around and saw everyone drinking and said, "All right, fine, I'll have one."

So the guy had about five, and when he was finished the bartender walked over to him and told him how much he had to pay. He reaches deep down inside his pocket and pulls out a couple handfuls of food stamps. The bartender looked at the food stamps and said, "Hey, this isn't money!"

And the guy says, "I know, but it's the next best thing."

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Joke # 7

Back in the Dark Ages, a monastery sat high atop a mountain, sheltered within a grove of trees. It was a beautiful place, a peaceful place to meditate on God's goodness and grace.

The twenty friars that inhabited the monastery were quiet, humble men who communed with God and enjoyed immensely the natural setting where they abode. The soil was fertile. They grew a huge vegetable garden and wildflowers abounded. Everywhere they walked, beautiful flowers of vivid colors graced the landscape. Even wild roses grew in unexpected places. It was a haven of glory, secluded within the location of the monastery.

Glorious colors abounded. In addition to tending their vegetable garden, they also tended all their beautiful flowers. They counted themselves very blessed indeed.

But deep within the nearby forest, a wicked witch watched the friars with immense jealousy. You see, her forest had lots and lots of trees, but no flowers. And she happened to like flowers. She really liked flowers a lot.

She decided that she would rid the region of the friars. Really, she hated the friars. Really, these friars had to be stopped and she was going to stop them.

She tried putting a hex on them, in order to kill them off. But the hex didn't work because the friars were very godly men. The friars went joyfully on with their floral tending.

So then the wicked witch set fire to the trees, but because of the natural waterfalls and the lovely dew that covered the flowers and plants, the fire went out.

Finally, she concocted a special glue and she went in the nighttime and poured glue on all the flowers, which killed them immediately because of the strong toxicity.

Then she left vats of glue around the monastery and when the friars came out the next day to tend their flowers, they stopped curiously at the giant vats and sniffed the contents. Well, the glue was so strong, it instantly killed all the friars!

Which just goes to show ... Only glue can prevent florist friars.

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Joke # 8

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A newspaper!

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

iDildo

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/idildo.html

The Lovers

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/lovers.html

Try Anal Sex

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/try-anal-sex.html

Ass Rock

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/ass-rock.html

Taken at the Right Moment

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/taken-at-right-moment.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Motorcycle Garage Door Opener

http://bit.ly/arJSBX

Pulled Dodge Commericial

http://bit.ly/bGGLaw

Funny Girl Home Videos

http://bit.ly/9ju8Rr

Fruitcake Lady

http://bit.ly/9gbZEb

Now Thats 4 Wheel Driving

http://bit.ly/cEkenr


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Jokes for Saturday 14th February 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Sweet couple

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Smiley Faces

http://on.fb.me/18949pP

This bridge in Vietnam has a dragon that breathes fire

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Roger Ebert #Quote

http://on.fb.me/1894cSh

When Hugh Hefner Dies

http://on.fb.me/1894d8M

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Joke # 1

Never judge someone




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Joke # 2

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.

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Joke # 3

The doctor was known for miraculous arthritis cures and as you might imagine, his waiting room was full of people. A little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and emerged a short time later walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect!"

The little old lady said, "Miracle, shmiracle, he gave me a longer cane."

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Joke # 4

Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 ate 9.

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Joke # 5

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice- neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

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Joke # 6

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

That laundry is not very clean, she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

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Joke # 7

It was Mickey's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Mickey heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter!

Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter.

A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block.

Mickey didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.

Yeah, whaddaya want? came the gruff reply from next door.

What's going on, here? asked Mickey.

Well, said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number."

So the next day Mickey went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover.

That night, wanting to be part of the group, Mickey confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter.

After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing.

Mickey rapped on the cell wall.

Yeah, waddaya want? asked the other inmate.

I don't understand it, asked Mickey, "Why is Tommy STILL laughing?"

Well, said the gruff inmate, "He'd never heard that one before!"

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Joke # 8

Q: What goes up and down but never moves?
A: Stairs.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Presenting the Google Science Fair

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/presenting-google-science-fair.html

Ultimate Camaflouge

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/ultimate-camaflouge.html

Winter Blues

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/winter-blues.html

Unusual Pictures

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/unusual-pictures.html

Color Test

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/color-test.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Rev. Charles

http://bit.ly/cBLwii

Memories

http://bit.ly/91oEou

South Park - Saddam in Heaven

http://bit.ly/awFs6h

I Forgot

http://bit.ly/cBusqd

Misunderstanding

http://bit.ly/ayU1gC


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Friday, February 13, 2015

Jokes for Friday 13th February 2015

SydesJokes Blog
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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Sand Sculpture

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That Moment

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Today was a good day

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Welcome to CORNWALL sign

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Spooning leads to forking

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Joke # 1

The Molar Bear




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Joke # 2

A painter's joke may be off-color while a cook's might be tasteless.

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Joke # 3

Paddy says to Mick, "Da power went out at da cottage tiz mornin'. Me computer went down; da TV, DVD, an' me new surround sound music all didn' work. Then I discovered that me iPhone battery was flat, the pub wasn' open yet and to top it off it was rainin' outside, so I couldn' play golf."

So wha' did ye do?

So I went t' the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this needs power too, so I talked to me wife Mary for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.

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Joke # 4

Q: How do Vikings send secret messages?
A: Norse code.

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Joke # 5

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

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Joke # 6

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there.

He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook. "

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Joke # 7

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.

You're in luck, said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation."

So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub."

Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg.

Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.

Legs are harder, said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do—come back in six hours."

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early, John's out playing soccer."

Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head.

Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.

Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach, the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do—come back in 12 hours."

Sam returned in 12 hours.

How did it go, Doc? he asked.

I'm sorry. John died, the surgeon replied, "He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"

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Joke # 8

Q: Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?
A: He was board.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

The Sad Reality

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/sad-reality.html

Big Bertha

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/big-bertha.html

Perverted Women

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/perverted-women.html

This Egypt Thing

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/this-egypt-thing.html

America's Problem

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/americas-problem.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Log Splitter

http://bit.ly/dsFCiA

Basket Girl

http://bit.ly/909zDf

Stay Fit

http://bit.ly/cYml6a

Budweiser - Light Dog

http://bit.ly/bBL2JW

Australian Golf Balls

http://bit.ly/d0qyWZ


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Jokes for Thursday 12th February 2015

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Need a hug

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BOOKGASM

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The importance of clarity

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Joke # 1

Christopher Columbus Quote




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Joke # 2

I drink in moderation. 'Moderation' is an imaginary place that exists wherever I am.

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Joke # 3

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

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Joke # 4

Q: What did the peanut say to the walnut?
A: Nothing. Nuts can't talk.

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Joke # 5

Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.

Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."

The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"

Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard.

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Joke # 6

A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had passed away.

When her husband was on his death bed, and he told her that he had three envelopes in his desk drawer that would "take care" of all of the arrangements. Well, he died shortly thereafter, so the wife opened the drawer and there were 3 envelopes just like he said.

One the first envelope it said "for the casket." There was $5,000.00 in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.

The second envelope said "for the expenses" and had $4,000.00 in it so she paid all the bills from the funeral.

The third envelope said "for the stone" and had $3,000.00 in it. She then held her hand out to her friends and said, "Isn't it Beautiful!!!"

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Joke # 7

Memo from Director General to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

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Joke # 8

Q: What do you call a young army?
A: Infantry.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Go-Cart Case

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/go-cart-case.html

If You Want Happiness

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/if-you-want-happiness.html

Siberian Rigs

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/siberian-rigs.html

Global Warning

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/global-warning.html

Redneck Wheels

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/redneck-wheels.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Cheating the Traffic Warden

http://bit.ly/bP2SR5

Tank

http://bit.ly/aCKfGC

Dropping Anchor

http://bit.ly/arYSq9

Hercules Flyby

http://bit.ly/byH3Hl

Caught

http://bit.ly/hrD16e


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Jokes for Wednesday 11th February 2015

SydesJokes Blog
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Men & Orgasms

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Be anyone I want to be

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New Shampoo Bottle

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Joke # 1

Albert Einstein Quote




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Joke # 2

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

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Joke # 3

A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Judy, Judy!"

Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Judy.' I'm your mother, you know."

I know, said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."

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Joke # 4

Q: What's a royal pardon?
A: It's what the queen says after she burps.

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Joke # 5

Grandpa, I'm really proud of you, said the modish young lady.

What's to be proud of? asked the old man.

The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

Of course, explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"

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Joke # 6

One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked.

His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"

She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"

As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"

Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

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Joke # 7

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years. He thought that it was a cute way for her to ask him for money for new clothes and other incidentals.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million. She informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex. These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak.

Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

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Joke # 8

Q: What did the picture say to the wall?
A: I've been framed!

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

10 Most Expensive Cars

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/10-most-expensive-cars.html

Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/homer-simpsons-words-of-wisdom.html

Watch Your Tail

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/watch-your-tail.html

What's a Trillion

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/whats-trillion.html

When your wife gets pregnant

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/when-your-wife-gets-pregnant.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Baby Sitter

http://bit.ly/9zKuq2

Let Me In

http://bit.ly/b3oey8

Water is Precious

http://bit.ly/nB6ixY

USMC Quotes

http://bit.ly/k0yVhQ

Why Rumsfeld Was Fired

http://bit.ly/bL4Olu


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Jokes for Tuesday 10th February 2015

SydesJokes Blog
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J.K Rowling #Quote

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My family is tempermental

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Grandmas's Necklace

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Oliver Wendell Holmes #Quote

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Parenting

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Joke # 1

When hashtags go bad




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Joke # 2

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

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Joke # 3

A fourth-grader came into the school office and told the secretary that she had missed her bus, Bus 6.

After checking schedules with the teacher on bus duty, the secretary confirmed that the girl did indeed miss her bus. "But don't worry," she told the child. "We'll call your mother."

No, you won't, the girl calmly replied. "She's driving Bus 6."

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Joke # 4

Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing!

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Joke # 5

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible."

The second guy says, "That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God."

She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?

Every night she places a burnt offering before me.

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Joke # 6

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."

I see. Have you done anything about it? asked the doctor.

Oh, yes, Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."

No, the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

Of course I do. she answered, "I take my knitting and a magazine.."

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Joke # 7

A woman is at her hairdresser's getting styled. "I'm going on a trip to Rome with my husband."

The hairdresser responds, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. How are you getting there?"

We're taking United. We got a great rate!

United? What a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are surly and they're always late. Where are you staying in Rome?

We'll be at this exclusive little place called the De Russie.

Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody goes there thinking it's going to be something special, but it's really a dump.

We're going to go to tour the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.

That's rich. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this trip of yours. You're going to need it.

A month later, the woman goes in for another styling. The hairdresser asks, "How was your trip to Rome?"

It was wonderful! Not only were we on time in one of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they upgraded us to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a 20 million Euro remodeling job and it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. Funny thing, they were also overbooked, so they apologized and gave us a suite for the price of a room.

Well that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope.

Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder. He explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me ...

My Gosh! What did he say?!?

He said, 'Where'd you get that lousy haircut?'

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Joke # 8

Q: How do you make a rock float?
A: Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Bridges

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/bridges.html

Found It

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/found-it.html

How to Have an Argument with a Woman

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/how-to-have-argument-with-woman.html

Bone-less Chicken

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/bone-less-chicken.html

Arab Sex Doll

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/arab-sex-doll.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Budweiser - Mice

http://bit.ly/cGbWne

Great Tequila Commercials

http://bit.ly/aY06re

Jingle Bells Taxi Ride

http://bit.ly/dBBD7A

Water Fun

http://bit.ly/cgaeis

Dunk Shot

http://bit.ly/dktFY7


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